Why?

Why did I become so fat?

 Well there are plenty of answers to this question. Basically it comes down to me eating to deal with my feelings. I never learnt how to properly deal with emotions and my family was never very good at consistent healthy eating. My Mom and I were in and out of Weight Watchers and other programs, but nothing stuck. Over and over again I would be right back in the McD’s drive through.

 I also love food. I love the taste of it, most textures, the instant satisfaction that you feel from it. It gave me something immediate that I knew I could depend on. Even when friends weren’t around and family was not good to talk to, food was there.

 Secrets can be fun right? Well not so much when your secret is going to the grocery store to buy your favourite cake, a bag of tortilla chips and salsa con queso. All for you to enjoy that night while you sat on the couch and did nothing. I loved sneaking food. As soon as I had my own money I had the power to eat what I wanted when I wanted. No more waiting for Mom to give me allowance.

 Fitness has never been a priority for me. Even now I’m working hard just to incorporate a small amount of fitness. I’m a very lazy person, plus I’ve been fat my whole life. Doing physical education in school was the worst thing for me. I understand that it was necessary to encourage activity, but for me it was a few hours a week of pure embarrassment. Gym class made me cry so often I can’t even explain. Writing this right now, as an adult who graduated 10 years ago and stopped gym class 12 years ago, I can feel the emotions I felt then. I’m embarrassed just thinking about changing in to my gym wear. Those horrible ill-fitting clothes. I’m sad thinking about how I could never match the others in my class, I’m almost in tears remembering the runs that took me longer than the actual hour long class. I can still feel the dread when I knew I had to go to gym. The only good thing to come from it was meeting one of my best friends. She was like me, not very fit, and not willing to run. We became walking buddies and now years later we are still friends.

 I know that weight loss is 90% diet and 10% fitness, and that’s why weight watchers has worked so well for me. But it is still necessary for me to up my fitness level.

 All in all, I became fat because I never learned how to eat just to fuel my body, I liked that food helped me deal with emotions, and I was/am lazy.

 Now I have to learn to deal with it. Taking baby steps to figure out this new lifestyle of better choices. A balance of indulging occasionally, but picking up right after to start back on track. Thankfully I think I am figuring this whole thing out. I am learning new food habits, and how to deal with my emotions and feelings without food. Fitness will be a whole new world when I quit smoking. I have quit before and the energy that comes from that is quite amazing.

 I must continue this lifestyle. My life, and the life of a future possible family depend on it. My family and friends are inspired by what I have done so far, so I have to continue so they know it’s real, and they can do it too. This is for me. For confidence, self-worth, health, heart, and comfort. Oh also for shopping. Not even gonna lie, I’m very much looking forward to being able to walk into any mall and know that I will fit into something there, even if there is no plus size store. I really just want to feel good about myself, and to know that I’m worth so much more than I currently think I am.

 I’m looking forward to my healthy life.

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5 thoughts on “Why?

  1. You can do it 🙂 I sometimes think of myself of the laziest person on Earth, but even I can do it. It does need a little more motivation now and then, but once you get into a habit, you will not think about going to the gym anymore. And also it makes you feel so much better, so woo girl, go for it 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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