Just another day

I’m super mad at myself right now. I want to cry. I feel like I fucked up big time. I know deep down it is nowhere near as bad as I feel that it is.

Today at lunch I skipped my walk. Next, I had greasy deep fried Chinese food with noodles.

I feel so disgusting right now. I feel sick to my stomach. I’m so mad.

I am PMSing and I think that has a lot to do with how I am feeling. But I can’t get over it. I want to cry.

This week I had planned on doing so well, and as of right now I just feel so terrible.

My plan though, is to just push on. I have already written it down in my tracker, it’s there, it’s real, I’m holding myself accountable for it. I actually had enough points for it. I have very few points left now though, and I will be using those and some weeklies for dinner.

I think a big part of my problem is that I really just feel icky right now. I’m uncomfortable and I feel ugly. I need to get over this. Let it go, and move on.

What I have done is not really that bad at all.

Boy have I learnt my lesson. From this moment on I will remember how this shitty lunchbreak made me feel. I will remember to walk, even when I don’t feel up to it, and to make the better choice on foods… I would feel better if it had been a burger even!! Probably because the Chinese food did not taste very good.

Some days you just feel like the world is ending. Even though the sun shines.

Tonight I am going to be finishing up games for my friends bridal shower. Purchasing prizes for them too. I also get to buy gifts for my boss. We are under a lot of stress right now, and she is taking the brunt of it.

My life could be worse. One yucky lunch won’t kill me.

You may notice I’m still writing, that is because this feeling won’t go away. Usually writing it down works as a confession of sorts. I feel better afterwards, but the reason I ate that crap was because I was having a gross day. I felt bad all day, I felt ugly, stupid, worthless, tired, and just icky in general. I thought I would feel better if I said “Fuck it” and had a meal that I wanted…. But I didn’t make the right choice. Jeez, if you are going to have a “Fuck it” moment, at least make it worthwhile. I could have said fuck it and had the poutine I have been craving…. But no I had stupid Chinese food that doesn’t taste good and is unappealing.

I just want to work out now. I want to walk. I want to get this stupid food out of me. I just wish I could go back one hour in time and get rid of it and make a better choice.

This is all so stupid because how is writing about this going to make any difference at all. It’s not. Not even a little. Feeling the way I feel is allowed and I think a lot of people end up feeling this way. I know that I will not make this choice again. At this point all I can do is use the knowledge to make a better choice in the future.

I have a feeling that drinking a large amount of water will help… maybe it will make me feel a little more cleansed. All water is cleansing.

Ok. So tonight I have no time to work out as I will be out with my friend, but we are going shopping so I will get plenty of steps in. That is a bonus.

Here is my plan. Right now I’m going to fill my water bottle. I’m going to drink it all and fill it again. Next I’m going to forgive myself for eating what I ate. It was a mistake, and I made it, and now all I can do is say goodbye to it and move on. After that I’m going to plan my lunch for tomorrow. Tonight I’m going to make my sandwich for tomorrow. For dinner tonight I am going to cut my portions, and have half of what I would usually have. I will NOT eat the chocolate bar I have in my living room, I don’t need the points today. When I am out tonight I WILL NOT be eating timbits, I will have a coffee, but that is all. Tomorrow I am going to eat my sandwich and I WILL go for a walk tomorrow. I have a lovely 4k route to walk. So I will walk it.

See? Now I have a plan…. And the terrible feeling in my stomach has eased a bit.

Now I best go fill my water bottle. I have goals to reach and accountability, forgiveness, hard work, and getting back on track are going to get me there.

I promise I am going to try to write more. I do need a place to get my feeliongs out, I tend to keep them in and pretend they don’t exist. But no more. I need to open myself and let everything flow into the keyboard. It’s like magic how it heals.

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One thought on “Just another day

  1. Tomorrow is a new day. I have to tell myself that today, too – I ate an off-plan breakfast, then got a very off-plan hot fudge sundae. Tonight I will have a nice, big apple and some homemade peanut butter (just peanuts blended together) and a LOT of water. So I might have to pee during the night… at least I’ll feel a bit better about it all. 🙂

    Loving your blog, and looking forward to more.

    Like

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