Just about quit Weight Watchers last night.
I worked really hard last week. I tracked everything, I saved all my bonus points for a birthday party, I walked, I drank water, I did everything I’m supposed to…. And then when I weighed in I was up 1.8lbs. I practically gained back the whole 2lbs I lost last week. I am PMSing, so that could possibly be the reason…. But seriously??? 1.8lbs??
My Mom wasn’t there with me so I didn’t stay for the meeting, instead I went to my car and bawled like a baby. I cried my eyes out.
I am so sick of being stuck, I’m so completely tired of this. I don’t want to be up 2 down 2 over and over and over again. I just wanted to be done. Why can’t my body size be healthy? Why can’t I be happy? Why do I keep failing while it is so easy for others? I have been doing this for over a year! I have a co worker who has been working at it for 5 months and she is already down 31lbs and here I am stuck wavering between 26 and 30lbs. I’ve been like this for months and I’m so tired of it.
Top it off with fucking depression, instead of having this make me feel motivated to work my ass of this week, it makes me want to hit every drive thru on the way home. I want a cake, and a bag of lays and I want to go to Mcdonalds for dinner every day. I want to sit and do nothing because I hate my stupid self so much.
I miss being happy. I miss feeling positive. I have always said that I believe that the point of life is purely to be happy. For some reason I simply can’t figure it out. I can’t figure out how to be happy.
I’m so sorry for the negativity of this post.
I think I am going to try to write one positive thing every day. Just one. Maybe it will help. I might also try completing one small crochet project a week, or a photo project a week. If I have goals like that it might help, just having something to dedicate myself to that brings me joy, and separates me from this disappointment.
Positive thing for today: Tonight my Mom and I get to watch Hells Kitchen, and they recently announced that we are allowed to use social media on our work computers! Yay!