I can feel it…………!?

Well I have continued to eat terribly and not exercise for a while. I have been enjoying eating all the shit I have denied myself for so long, but I’m feeling it! This is new, I’ve never actually been able to relate this horribly lethargic feeling to eating bad food, but wow am I noticing it right now.

I wake up every day feeling incredibly tired, I’m finding my body is sore and I feel like it is difficult to move, it takes a lot more effort. I’m crashing every single day by 3pm, no fail, almost asleep at my desk in the afternoon.

I also have not been putting any effort into water, I’ve been drinking pretty much strictly coffee and diet pepsi. I have changed that right now, I just filled my water bottle at work, I’m going to take this one home for a long needed wash in the dishwasher and bring in my favorite water bottle from Powell’s City of Books in Portland Oregon…. If you have never been to Powell’s, you must go! I love Portland, but I would go again and skip everything and just spend the whole time in the book store.

There has been a long list of excuses. Toronto, break from weight watchers, stress, party planning, the party itself, my brothers birthday dinner last night…. Excuse after excuse. I’m tired of my own excuses.

Today I’m having some leftover birthday cake, because I fucking love cake. I’m also having leftovers from the restaurant, but only  a couple pieces of a leftover appetizer. I already have all of that in myfitnesspal, not to mention  I put in a second piece of cake, because I fucking love cake. I refuse to give up things I love, but after feeling so terrible for the last month, I am going to work hard to get back to where I was. Eating this badly feels gross, as much as it makes me fatter, so I’m going to have to work hard to avoid this feeling. Actually I have noticed that it almost acts as a deterrent… I have thought about walking, or working out, or eating something good, but I feel so crappy that I decide I’m not up for a walk, or I can’t possibly work out when I feel like this…. Bad food is a trap. I’m trapped by it, but I’m digging my way back out.

I will never give up eating foods that I love, but I will work hard to insure that I am eating good portions, and having plenty of healthy delicious foods. I also will be sure that I get walks and work outs in. Because my life needs to change, and I’m the only one who can change it. The reason my life is the way it is, is because I’m too lazy to work my ass off to change it. I so need a change. I need to figure out whether or not I want to go to school, and if so what for, do I want to try a trade, or do I want to get a bachelors in accounting or finance, or do I want to go a different way and actually study something I’m interested in. That’s a decision I need to make. I also am debating getting a part time job to supplement my income. I already work full-time 9-5 desk job, but I would really like to get my debt paid off and save money, so I am debating a second job.

Bottom line is that I need to change my life. I really do, I’m not sure where to start and as stupid as it seems, I think a haircut is my starting point. It’s a small change, but it will have an impact. Next thing I need to do is work on my budget, then I need to research schools, and see what I can do part time, evening classes or even better, online courses.

I can make a change in my life, I need to. My life feels so pointless right now. I go to work and come home and go to work and come home, I have a bit of fun in between, but it all stays the same. It is up to me to make a change.

If you want to add me to myfitnesspal I am megandy123! 🙂 I need friends for accountability.

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Dang it! Must work harder!…..actually must just work….. even a little.

Oh goodness you guys….. I feel like so much has happened.

I have stopped eating well, that changes right now. How stupid of me. I just sort of got on a shitty eating roll and stuck with it. For lunch today I had a Big Crunch from KFC and a Poutine. It was delicious…. Ha ha I haven’t eaten a poutine in a long time because they are like 23 points!! But I decided today was last hurrah!

I have been incredibly stressed out lately. I have a bachelorette thing this weekend that we needed to plan in one week, I had to book flights for my family to Maui which was actually difficult….apparently there are no non-stop flights to Maui from here. How silly. I had to buy decorations for the party on Sat and I had to build some decorations. I had to help my friend the bride find some decorations for her wedding, which was actually fun but still stressed me out. I’m trying to crochet a blanket for my grandpa, but it’s been so hot crochet is really not a fun thing right now… sigh. I think I’m just building stuff up in my head to be bigger than it really is. I have no reason to be stressed, I just need to prioritize and plan.

I think this has lead to me eating terribly, which has stressed me out because I have likely gained a good amount already, and I just feel icky. I feel fat and icky. This morning I felt motivated, but then I ate bad for me lunch and now I feel sloppy, lazy, and gross.

I need a change! Holy crap do I need a change….. I need to breathe and get back on track.

I quit weight watchers. I was having a lot of trouble. My meeting group is full of old ladies who don’t even care at all about me. WW meetings are supposed to be supportive places where you feel like people get you and they want to hear you and you want to hear them. I just felt out of place. I felt like not one of them gave a crap. Also my leader has been seeing me struggling for seven months and even after asking for help I didn’t get any support. So I decided I was paying too much for this, and I quit.

Now I’m on Myfitnesspal! So I’m back to the calorie tracking…. Although in my head it starts next week. I have a party this weekend that is all about eating and drinking, so I’m going to enjoy that, but until then I’m going to be good. More water, less coffee, more brown bag lunch, less food court, more grapes, less chips!

I keep feeling like someone else should be responsible, but it’s all me. I need to work on it, and I think taking a break, and then changing it up will help. Also it will be nice to not have to worry about the money anymore.

Also I need to work on working out again, even going for walks, I have completely stopped walking, and I need to change that!

My plan this week:

  • Walks at lunch
  • Back to breakfast shake
  • Pack lunches
  • Plan dinners
  • Walk in the evening
  • Work out at least once
  • Drink nothing but water at work

I can do this guys! I can do this!