Progress Baby!

Hello!!! I hope everyone is having a wonderful day! I myself am having a great day today. Work is keeping me busy, which is good because the time needs to fly so I can get to Friday! I’m off early Friday, and I’m going to Toronto on Saturday! Hooray!

Friday night we are going to be going to dinner with my Grandma for her birthday… I wish I knew where we were going so I could plan ahead, but I will just have to make good decisions while there.

I have attempted to plan ahead for Toronto. I am going to make sure I save all my weeklies for the weekend, plus I’m making sure to take long walks on my lunch break. Today I went for a longer walk then I usually do. I’m hoping to get in a small one later on this evening.

Last night I went to Weight Watchers and I was down 2lbs!! Hooray! That’s exciting. I have 3 more to go until I get back to my lowest recent weight. I need to get it because this looooong plateau sucks. But now I really feel like I can do it! I’m being positive. I can do it. It’s worth it to think about things instead of say fuck it.

Losing weight is something I really need to do. I’m very tired of crying and hating my body. I need to turn that around. I am a pretty cool person in my opinion. I need to prove to myself that I am awesome in every way!

So…… tonight I am baking cookies(not so great for weight loss)….. Well Icing cookies. I baked them yesterday. I have almost 100 of them, thankfully I am bringing them to work tomorrow so I won’t be too tempted for too long. I set some points aside tonight so that I can enjoy some cookies as I’m decorating, 4 to be precise. My friend is helping me ice them, so I’m also going to unload some of them on her and her fiancé.

I don’t have pictures of my ice cream cart yet. I’m going to be finishing it up tonight and I will take pictures as soon as I’m done!

Positive thing for the day: Icing cookies tonight, also hanging out with my friend.

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Woo!

Thank you all for such great positive comments on my last post. I was feeling pretty bad at that point. After I posted that I decided that I should try the weight watchers 24 hour online chat. It actually helped tremendously. Afterward I had a few new ideas and I felt so much more positive.

I went to Weight Watchers last night and I was up 1.8lbs. Good news is…. I didn’t cry! I held my head up and my Mom and I walked out, both of us being up this week, both of us smiling. We went straight home, where we made ourselves a good dinner and planned out our meals for this week.

Tonight I am making us a healthy version of chicken cordon bleu, with a side of broccoli and carrots! It will be delicious!

I tracked everything I have eaten today and I drank water all day. I did have a coffee this morning, but I will make sure to drink more water when I get home and no diet pepsi.

In just under two weeks my family is heading to Toronto. I’m expecting to be eating in restaurants a lot. I’m going to have to work very very hard at making healthy choice instead of ordering whatever sounds delicious. Does anyone have any great ideas for restaurants? Keep in mind I can’t take half with me. I’m thinking maybe just have appies… or being sure to have green salad as a side instead of fries or mashed potato. I am probably going to be on my phone a lot calculating points and reading the nutritional info heh. I also plan on saving all of my weekly points. Bonus is that the trip crosses my weight watcher week border, so I will have one set of weeklies the first three days and then the last two days I will get more weeklies…. I am totally going to use that to my advantage…

I’m not going to get into hard core working out, though one day I would like to start working out, but for now I’m going to be walking a lot more. I want to be able to earn lots of activity points. I usually try not to use them, but if I’m not tracking or not paying attention I end up going over them. My goal is to earn activity points by walking on my lunch break, and then to avoid using them.

This week I am going to be dedicated to tracking, water, walking, and portion sizes.

I can do this.

 

Thank you guys again for all the helpful comments, seriously it meant a lot to me.

 

Positive thing for the day: Today I discovered that you can send Starbucks gift cards digitally. It is my friends birthday and she lives far away, so I sent her a starbucks gift card through email….. That’s just so cool. I love the internet.

**Negativity prevails**

Just about quit Weight Watchers last night.

I worked really hard last week. I tracked everything, I saved all my bonus points for a birthday party, I walked, I drank water, I did everything I’m supposed to…. And then when I weighed in I was up 1.8lbs. I practically gained back the whole 2lbs I lost last week. I am PMSing, so that could possibly be the reason…. But seriously??? 1.8lbs??

My Mom wasn’t there with me so I didn’t stay for the meeting, instead I went to my car and bawled like a baby. I cried my eyes out.

I am so sick of being stuck, I’m so completely tired of this. I don’t want to be up 2 down 2 over and over and over again. I just wanted to be done. Why can’t my body size be healthy? Why can’t I be happy? Why do I keep failing while it is so easy for others? I have been doing this for over a year! I have a co worker who has been working at it for 5 months and she is already down 31lbs and here I am stuck wavering between 26 and 30lbs. I’ve been like this for months and I’m so tired of it.

Top it off with fucking depression, instead of having this make me feel motivated to work my ass of this week, it makes me want to hit every drive thru on the way home. I want a cake, and a bag of lays and I want to go to Mcdonalds for dinner every day. I want to sit and do nothing because I hate my stupid self so much.

I miss being happy. I miss feeling positive. I have always said that I believe that the point of life is purely to be happy. For some reason I simply can’t figure it out. I can’t figure out how to be happy.

 I’m so sorry for the negativity of this post.

 I think I am going to try to write one positive thing every day. Just one. Maybe it will help. I might also try completing one small crochet project a week, or a photo project a week. If I have goals like that it might help, just having something to dedicate myself to that brings me joy, and separates me from this disappointment.

Positive thing for today: Tonight my Mom and I get to watch Hells Kitchen, and they recently announced that we are allowed to use social media on our work computers! Yay!

Rearrange my brain

I’m so terrible!

Hello friends!! I am so sorry. I am really not into my blog right now. I’m just not feeling it. I think it all has to do with depression. Being depressed sucks. I just don’t want to do anything, the thought of any amount of work is too much in my head.

I know it’s a problem, and I know I should probably talk to someone, but I’m scared to talk to someone.

I think I’m going to force myself to focus a bit on one of the most wonderful and simple depression aids. Exercise! So it’s time to make a plan, time to prepare and get ready, and realize I can do this.

Plan:

  1. Pack lunches the night before (This week it’s ham sandwiches)
  2. Make sure to bring a breakfast
  3. Walk on break, and on lunch
  4. Remember my anchor
  5. Aim to complete 2 workouts at home this week.

I can do this. I really can. I just need to fight myself a bit more, I need to fight.

I’m going to try to bring more positivity into my life! More  smiles, less tears, more courage, less self pity.

I am a pretty great person. I just need to let go of some anger, and accept myself. Fat is not who I am. My body has some fat on it, but I have an identity, I have dreams and hopes, feeling, people I love and people who love me. So I need to let go of this self hate. I’m amazing. I really am.

Positivity rising….

Last night at weigh in I was down 1.8lbs! Woohoo! After being up 4lbs in the last month being down was just amazing. So I still need to get all of what I gained off, but at least I’m part way there now!

My Mom joined me last night, it did not go as planned, but we got it all figured out. Now she is a member, and has had her first weigh in, so I will be going to the meeting with her from now on. Having a buddy will make such a huge difference.

I started today off right! I have already tracked everything I’m going to eat while I’m at work and I looked up the menu for the restaurant tonight and I’m going to be just fine to eat something delicious!

RFB

This week is going to be the real turning point. I can finally feel it. I can feel that I’m going to be back on track.

Sometimes we are our own worst enemies. We completely talk ourselves down and we make ourselves feel worse than any other human being could. The human mind is a strange thing. It’s as if it feeds on negativity some days. My mind will no longer feed on negativity. I’m going to challenge myself this week, to complain less. If I find myself complaining or whining about something I am going to do all I can to bring it back to a positive place.

I’m also going to have to write down some goals for the week I think. I know I posted about goals earlier, but I need to work harder to achieve them. I don’t want to make excuses, but I have certainly been thrown off this month, quitting smoking, getting sick, helping family…. But I have to put myself first.

Positivity people! Lets be positive!