So busy!

Ohmygosh what a weekend. I have this thing coming up at work, sort of a fun day… I have to make an ice cream cart out of cardboard. I also have to make cookies, and remember to bring beach towels and sunglasses.

So I got the cookie dough made yesterday, and it has been chilling in the fridge overnight. So tonight I am going to bake the cookies and Hopefully decorate them. I am also forcing my Mom to help me to decorate the ice cream cart. I will post pictures once it is complete J It’s going to be cute!

This weekend was a crazy one. I screwed up my tracking again as we went to a Fathers Day BBQ on Sunday for my Grandpa. My aunt cooked made us some hamburgers. But she also had some appies set up for before. So I had about 6 sausage rolls, and several shrimp with cocktail sauce (a no guilt treat), and then I had my one hamburger, and a scoop of potato salad…..I added it all into my tracker now. So I didn’t do what I wanted to do, which was track as I actually ate, but at least I got it all in the tracker now.

I’m feeling stressed right now because of all the crap I have to do for work. But thankfully I have a short week this week, and then I am off to Toronto for a few days. Yay for vacation! I’m actually just about to email my boss and see if I can leave early on Friday and have even more time. Might go to dinner with my Grandma for her birthday.

Tonight is weigh in. I will have to see how it goes. I don’t expect that I broke the plateau yet, but I will! I don’t get to go next week, but that’s ok J

Alright, I’m going to get to work.

Positive thing for the day: I am wearing a dress and I look fantastic in it!

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Accountability

So I think I am going to post images from my tracker (quickly done screencaps) for accountabilities sake. To prove that I tracked every day.

I’m going to try my best to remember!!

I am so proud of myself for yesterday! I really wanted to go get Chinese food, and not even the vegetable kind, but I realized I hadn’t eaten my sandwich yet, so I ate my sandwich and didn’t even want to buy food after, usually I say screw it but I contained myself.

Today I bought a salad at subway because I was still hungry after my sandwich, I only ate half of the salad…. if that.

June 10 Tracker June 11 Tracker

I’m trying really hard, last night with my friend we skipped the movie and instead went for a nice walk in the park. It was such a perfect night for a walk, not too hot at all. We even got to play with some puppies! I love dogs so much!!

Tonight I’m going to have to see about timing, my friends group is going for a walk, but I’m not sure I will be done dinner in time. I think I might stay home and go for a walk with my Mom this evening instead.

Positive thing for the day: I am having a great day at work, and though it feel like I have accomplished nothing, I have actually gotten a good amount of stuff done. Also I’m finally catching up on my podcasts.

SIDE POSITIVE FOR YESTERDAY! I got to see my friend in a wedding dress that she got for FREE that looks phenomenal on her! It’s so pretty! I’m very happy for her.

Incentive

I went to Weight Watchers last night. I was down 0.6lbs. I almost cried. I was disappointed, it wasn’t enough for me. My biggest thought was, “I thought about the consequences when I ate that starbucks stuff, so why did I eat it know what would happen?”

Down .6 was just not enough, and then they made us talk about what makes us happy!! I was so upset I wanted to cry. Fuck off weight Watchers, I’m having some major issues figuring out how to be happy, you can’t just say “Oh be happy” like it’s that easy. I know it should be that easy, but I was on the verge of tears. I wasn’t a very good buddy to my Mom.

This week I have decided to give myself some incentive. If I track every single bit every single day, ESPECIALLY Sunday and Monday, then I get to buy myself something online. Anything I want at all $25 or less. ANYTHING. I can waste it on a princess Leia Beach Towel, Big Bang Theory minifugres, A Disney something!!

I just tried to think of incentive for tracking for a month but I couldn’t think of anything. I think I need to concentrate more on doing this one week at a time. If I track everything this week and get my prize I will just have to think of another prize for the next week!

This week I am going to do everything in my power to concentrate on the positives. Any type of positive, not just weight related.

Positive thing of the day: Tonight I’m going to see a friend, and possibly see Pitch Perfect 2.

Just another day

I’m super mad at myself right now. I want to cry. I feel like I fucked up big time. I know deep down it is nowhere near as bad as I feel that it is.

Today at lunch I skipped my walk. Next, I had greasy deep fried Chinese food with noodles.

I feel so disgusting right now. I feel sick to my stomach. I’m so mad.

I am PMSing and I think that has a lot to do with how I am feeling. But I can’t get over it. I want to cry.

This week I had planned on doing so well, and as of right now I just feel so terrible.

My plan though, is to just push on. I have already written it down in my tracker, it’s there, it’s real, I’m holding myself accountable for it. I actually had enough points for it. I have very few points left now though, and I will be using those and some weeklies for dinner.

I think a big part of my problem is that I really just feel icky right now. I’m uncomfortable and I feel ugly. I need to get over this. Let it go, and move on.

What I have done is not really that bad at all.

Boy have I learnt my lesson. From this moment on I will remember how this shitty lunchbreak made me feel. I will remember to walk, even when I don’t feel up to it, and to make the better choice on foods… I would feel better if it had been a burger even!! Probably because the Chinese food did not taste very good.

Some days you just feel like the world is ending. Even though the sun shines.

Tonight I am going to be finishing up games for my friends bridal shower. Purchasing prizes for them too. I also get to buy gifts for my boss. We are under a lot of stress right now, and she is taking the brunt of it.

My life could be worse. One yucky lunch won’t kill me.

You may notice I’m still writing, that is because this feeling won’t go away. Usually writing it down works as a confession of sorts. I feel better afterwards, but the reason I ate that crap was because I was having a gross day. I felt bad all day, I felt ugly, stupid, worthless, tired, and just icky in general. I thought I would feel better if I said “Fuck it” and had a meal that I wanted…. But I didn’t make the right choice. Jeez, if you are going to have a “Fuck it” moment, at least make it worthwhile. I could have said fuck it and had the poutine I have been craving…. But no I had stupid Chinese food that doesn’t taste good and is unappealing.

I just want to work out now. I want to walk. I want to get this stupid food out of me. I just wish I could go back one hour in time and get rid of it and make a better choice.

This is all so stupid because how is writing about this going to make any difference at all. It’s not. Not even a little. Feeling the way I feel is allowed and I think a lot of people end up feeling this way. I know that I will not make this choice again. At this point all I can do is use the knowledge to make a better choice in the future.

I have a feeling that drinking a large amount of water will help… maybe it will make me feel a little more cleansed. All water is cleansing.

Ok. So tonight I have no time to work out as I will be out with my friend, but we are going shopping so I will get plenty of steps in. That is a bonus.

Here is my plan. Right now I’m going to fill my water bottle. I’m going to drink it all and fill it again. Next I’m going to forgive myself for eating what I ate. It was a mistake, and I made it, and now all I can do is say goodbye to it and move on. After that I’m going to plan my lunch for tomorrow. Tonight I’m going to make my sandwich for tomorrow. For dinner tonight I am going to cut my portions, and have half of what I would usually have. I will NOT eat the chocolate bar I have in my living room, I don’t need the points today. When I am out tonight I WILL NOT be eating timbits, I will have a coffee, but that is all. Tomorrow I am going to eat my sandwich and I WILL go for a walk tomorrow. I have a lovely 4k route to walk. So I will walk it.

See? Now I have a plan…. And the terrible feeling in my stomach has eased a bit.

Now I best go fill my water bottle. I have goals to reach and accountability, forgiveness, hard work, and getting back on track are going to get me there.

I promise I am going to try to write more. I do need a place to get my feeliongs out, I tend to keep them in and pretend they don’t exist. But no more. I need to open myself and let everything flow into the keyboard. It’s like magic how it heals.

T…t….track it out!

Tracking everything I eat is hard! I almost always screw it up on the weekends. Last weekend though I decided that I needed to try to fix that. While shopping with my Mom I found a beautiful journal and I decided I needed to own it. I was just a couple days away from finishing my official WW tracker, one of the three month trackers, so this would be my new tracker.

Tracker

I couldn’t even wait until I was done my old tracker. I started right away! As soon as I got home I tracked everything that I ate! Something about the beautiful map covered pages just inspired me, and I could not resist. I can now say I have faithfully tracked every day. Now, can I possibly track through Sunday and Monday? Saturday is a work day for me, so tracking is easy, but Sunday and Monday I’m off work. I don’t have the book sitting next to me on a desk all day, nor do I have a pen within reach. So I’m going to have to make myself work for it.

My goal for this weekend is to TRACK!

I wonder if others have the same problem, good tracking through the week, then nothing on weekends?

Been Awhile

Oh wow.

Ok, so I’ve been gone for awhile, as in gone from blog land. I’m not going to lie, I was getting tired of reading my own whiny posts. I figured that I really needed, and still need, to figure some stuff out. I am dealing with some depression, and I also got pretty sick. I managed to get an upper respiratory infection and also a bad sinus infection at the same time. Lovely. But now I’m on medication and am feeling much better. Even my mood has improved.

My weight has gone basically no where. I’m sitting at 248.6lbs right now. So I’m up about 2lbs. It’s ok. I bought myself a pretty journal to use as a tracker so I’ve been doing really well keeping track of everything I eat. I’m sure, and determined to go down this week.

Today I avoided going to the Chinese market and having all different kinds of delicious things. Partly because I know it’s not the best food choices to make and then partly because I’m trying really really hard to save money these days.

I was planning on purchasing a condo, but then discovered that I don’t actually have the money I thought I had for a down payment…. So I kind of have to start from scratch. I’m working on a new plan. That had become a new dream for me, but also a very distressing situation. I was stressing about it so much. I am very much the kind of person who wants things dealt with quickly and efficiently. So starting to think about purchasing was freaking me out. I just wanted to buy a place and have it done with. Unfortunately it’s not that easy. This taking a step back is actually kind of nice. I’m feeling much more relaxed about the whole situation.

Also, I have to go to Mexico this year…. I bet like most people you are looking with raised eyebrows and thinking “Have to? You HAVE to?” Yes, I have to. My friend is getting married and I am a bridesmaid, therefore I have to go. I’ve never been to Mexico, and I am getting a bit excited and sort of happy about it, but it’s a lot of money. Mexico is really not my first choice and the price of this could get me flights to and from Asia as well as a night or too in a hotel.

I’m also a bit of a control freak. I like to plan trips and be in control, or at the very minimum have every single detail, and in this situation I don’t. I know how much I have to pay and when to pay it by. I know the name of the resort and the dates we are going on. I don’t have flight details or transport details or room details…. It’s just freaking me out. I’m not in control.

So, Mexico right? I’m also going to Hawaii this year with my family. That will be fun.

Two very beachy bathing suity destinations. Yikes. So I’m trying to get control of my eating I would really like to lose a lot more weight before this fall. I really need to get my fitness on track. So far I’m only walking, I know I need more, but the last few week I’ve been so sick that it was barely possible to walk, let alone to do Zumba or something. Now that I’m feeling better I’m going to make sure that I work hard. I really need to do this.

I need to love myself. Right now I just don’t, I’m in a very bad place, but I know that exercise and eating right can help with emotions, and if I’m looking better I will be feeling better. Right?

Positivity rising….

Last night at weigh in I was down 1.8lbs! Woohoo! After being up 4lbs in the last month being down was just amazing. So I still need to get all of what I gained off, but at least I’m part way there now!

My Mom joined me last night, it did not go as planned, but we got it all figured out. Now she is a member, and has had her first weigh in, so I will be going to the meeting with her from now on. Having a buddy will make such a huge difference.

I started today off right! I have already tracked everything I’m going to eat while I’m at work and I looked up the menu for the restaurant tonight and I’m going to be just fine to eat something delicious!

RFB

This week is going to be the real turning point. I can finally feel it. I can feel that I’m going to be back on track.

Sometimes we are our own worst enemies. We completely talk ourselves down and we make ourselves feel worse than any other human being could. The human mind is a strange thing. It’s as if it feeds on negativity some days. My mind will no longer feed on negativity. I’m going to challenge myself this week, to complain less. If I find myself complaining or whining about something I am going to do all I can to bring it back to a positive place.

I’m also going to have to write down some goals for the week I think. I know I posted about goals earlier, but I need to work harder to achieve them. I don’t want to make excuses, but I have certainly been thrown off this month, quitting smoking, getting sick, helping family…. But I have to put myself first.

Positivity people! Lets be positive!