Bandwagon

Wow, so it has been a very very long time. I’m sorry I have failed. The reality is that I quit weight watchers….. and I apparently just quit thinking about weight loss in general. I have gained 40 pounds. 40. So I went from losing 30lbs to being 10lbs heavier then I was at the start of all this.

I’m sad. I’m not even angry. I’m just sad. I can’t believe I let myself do this.

Excuses are easy. It started with Hawaii. A trip to Hawaii is the perfect excuse to stop thinking about what you are eating… I mean, I’m certainly not going to be in a bikini in a month so…. may as well eat my face off an enjoy! …..right?……..

A month after Hawaii I went to Mexico for a wedding…. only three weeks between trips? Whats the point in trying to diet? ……………….right?…………

A month after Mexico…. CHRISTMAS! My favourite time of year! also super busy, and full of many many baked treats from friends and family. So no point in trying to control myself  ……………………………………..right?…………………………………….

So now today is my birthday. 5 days after Christmas. This horrible no mans land of eating crap  before jumping on the “New year, new me” bullcrap bandwagon.

So here I am. 5’5 283lbs. Trying my best to catch up to the bandwagon that is trucking along.

I wrote myself an email the other day, because I new a change was necessary. I know my life is bad. I’m depressed, I’m fat, I feel worthless, I dislike a lot of things in my life, I’m single, I’m lonely, I barely see friends…. my life needs a change. I’m going to copy my email for you all to see. Then I’m going to go on r/loseit on reddit and add some friends to my fitness pal.

Change doesn’t need to wait until January 1st. Change can start now.

Plan:
–          Breakfast

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I can feel it…………!?

Well I have continued to eat terribly and not exercise for a while. I have been enjoying eating all the shit I have denied myself for so long, but I’m feeling it! This is new, I’ve never actually been able to relate this horribly lethargic feeling to eating bad food, but wow am I noticing it right now.

I wake up every day feeling incredibly tired, I’m finding my body is sore and I feel like it is difficult to move, it takes a lot more effort. I’m crashing every single day by 3pm, no fail, almost asleep at my desk in the afternoon.

I also have not been putting any effort into water, I’ve been drinking pretty much strictly coffee and diet pepsi. I have changed that right now, I just filled my water bottle at work, I’m going to take this one home for a long needed wash in the dishwasher and bring in my favorite water bottle from Powell’s City of Books in Portland Oregon…. If you have never been to Powell’s, you must go! I love Portland, but I would go again and skip everything and just spend the whole time in the book store.

There has been a long list of excuses. Toronto, break from weight watchers, stress, party planning, the party itself, my brothers birthday dinner last night…. Excuse after excuse. I’m tired of my own excuses.

Today I’m having some leftover birthday cake, because I fucking love cake. I’m also having leftovers from the restaurant, but only  a couple pieces of a leftover appetizer. I already have all of that in myfitnesspal, not to mention  I put in a second piece of cake, because I fucking love cake. I refuse to give up things I love, but after feeling so terrible for the last month, I am going to work hard to get back to where I was. Eating this badly feels gross, as much as it makes me fatter, so I’m going to have to work hard to avoid this feeling. Actually I have noticed that it almost acts as a deterrent… I have thought about walking, or working out, or eating something good, but I feel so crappy that I decide I’m not up for a walk, or I can’t possibly work out when I feel like this…. Bad food is a trap. I’m trapped by it, but I’m digging my way back out.

I will never give up eating foods that I love, but I will work hard to insure that I am eating good portions, and having plenty of healthy delicious foods. I also will be sure that I get walks and work outs in. Because my life needs to change, and I’m the only one who can change it. The reason my life is the way it is, is because I’m too lazy to work my ass off to change it. I so need a change. I need to figure out whether or not I want to go to school, and if so what for, do I want to try a trade, or do I want to get a bachelors in accounting or finance, or do I want to go a different way and actually study something I’m interested in. That’s a decision I need to make. I also am debating getting a part time job to supplement my income. I already work full-time 9-5 desk job, but I would really like to get my debt paid off and save money, so I am debating a second job.

Bottom line is that I need to change my life. I really do, I’m not sure where to start and as stupid as it seems, I think a haircut is my starting point. It’s a small change, but it will have an impact. Next thing I need to do is work on my budget, then I need to research schools, and see what I can do part time, evening classes or even better, online courses.

I can make a change in my life, I need to. My life feels so pointless right now. I go to work and come home and go to work and come home, I have a bit of fun in between, but it all stays the same. It is up to me to make a change.

If you want to add me to myfitnesspal I am megandy123! 🙂 I need friends for accountability.

Dang it! Must work harder!…..actually must just work….. even a little.

Oh goodness you guys….. I feel like so much has happened.

I have stopped eating well, that changes right now. How stupid of me. I just sort of got on a shitty eating roll and stuck with it. For lunch today I had a Big Crunch from KFC and a Poutine. It was delicious…. Ha ha I haven’t eaten a poutine in a long time because they are like 23 points!! But I decided today was last hurrah!

I have been incredibly stressed out lately. I have a bachelorette thing this weekend that we needed to plan in one week, I had to book flights for my family to Maui which was actually difficult….apparently there are no non-stop flights to Maui from here. How silly. I had to buy decorations for the party on Sat and I had to build some decorations. I had to help my friend the bride find some decorations for her wedding, which was actually fun but still stressed me out. I’m trying to crochet a blanket for my grandpa, but it’s been so hot crochet is really not a fun thing right now… sigh. I think I’m just building stuff up in my head to be bigger than it really is. I have no reason to be stressed, I just need to prioritize and plan.

I think this has lead to me eating terribly, which has stressed me out because I have likely gained a good amount already, and I just feel icky. I feel fat and icky. This morning I felt motivated, but then I ate bad for me lunch and now I feel sloppy, lazy, and gross.

I need a change! Holy crap do I need a change….. I need to breathe and get back on track.

I quit weight watchers. I was having a lot of trouble. My meeting group is full of old ladies who don’t even care at all about me. WW meetings are supposed to be supportive places where you feel like people get you and they want to hear you and you want to hear them. I just felt out of place. I felt like not one of them gave a crap. Also my leader has been seeing me struggling for seven months and even after asking for help I didn’t get any support. So I decided I was paying too much for this, and I quit.

Now I’m on Myfitnesspal! So I’m back to the calorie tracking…. Although in my head it starts next week. I have a party this weekend that is all about eating and drinking, so I’m going to enjoy that, but until then I’m going to be good. More water, less coffee, more brown bag lunch, less food court, more grapes, less chips!

I keep feeling like someone else should be responsible, but it’s all me. I need to work on it, and I think taking a break, and then changing it up will help. Also it will be nice to not have to worry about the money anymore.

Also I need to work on working out again, even going for walks, I have completely stopped walking, and I need to change that!

My plan this week:

  • Walks at lunch
  • Back to breakfast shake
  • Pack lunches
  • Plan dinners
  • Walk in the evening
  • Work out at least once
  • Drink nothing but water at work

I can do this guys! I can do this!

WW out the window!! (Trip Report)

Aqua

So I got on a plane on Saturday, and I waved goodbye to weight watchers as soon as I looked out the window!!! Wow did I eat bad!!! But damn did I eat well!!! Oh man so much good food on that trip. I missed my weigh in but I’m sure to be up like 5lbs!

I know that you are supposed to be good even while on vacation, but it didn’t even cross my mind. I just let go of the mentality of watching what I ate and jumped into the “Vacation Mode: I’m gonna eat what I want cause I’m here and I can.” Part of that mentality came from the fact that some of the restaurants I ate at don’t exist at home. So I figured I should just enjoy it while I can. I won’t even lie, I enjoyed it immensely.

Day 1: Once we landed we went out to Jack Astors, a restaurant that doesn’t exist where I live, and I had a Tuna Poke appetizer (3/10 wasn’t worth it) and a Brie Burger (8/10 totally frickin delicious).

Day 2: The next morning It was fruit loops for breakfast, and then we went off on a day trip to Niagara on the Lake. On the way out we stopped at Mcdonalds because we decided to try the “Canadian Taste Adventure”. We taste tested the Eastern Canadian Mclobster (3/10I was not expecting a cold sandwich). Because we were disappointed I halved a quarter pounder with my Dad. Then we were on the road again. We wandered the pretty streets of the town and I took a load of pictures. If you have never been, it is totally worth it for a day trip. We just walked up and down the street for hours going in and out of shops. One of the shops was a bakery… a bakery that had gigantic butter tarts topped with chocolate and peanut butter and skor and caramel. I had a chocolate skor butter tart (9/10 Was phenomenal in taste, but the whole thing is a bit too much sweetness, good to share though.) We headed back into town and stopped at Boston Pizza for dinner(BBQ chicken pizza 6/10 They put tomato sauce on instead of barbeque) and then to see Jurassic World. I was very disappointed in Jurassic World. I had heard such good things, but it just didn’t work for me. I guess I was expecting that thrill that I got, and still get when watching the first. Also the people sitting next to me had a toddler at a late showing, and ate smelly food they brought from home…. Total atmosphere destroyer.

Day 3: Monday was the only day we had really good weather. We started off with some cereal for breakfast and then we went out to the lake to check out the boat. We stopped in a marina on the way and had lunch on the dock. I had a Roast Beef Dip Sandwich with fries. The beef was actually cut from a roast beef, not deli meat! Oh wow was that tasty! (8/10 so yummy!). Then we were off to the boat. It was such a nice sunny day and the water was calm. We got the boat ready to go and then went out for a bit of a ride. We came back to the dock and tied her up then we just relaxed. My mom and I sat on the back of the boat with our legs dangling in the lake and drank a nice cold beer. Then the fishing rods came our and we sat and caught(and released) a bunch of little bass and crappie fish. After fishing the wind started to pick up so we decided to head back to town. We went to Red Lobster(another place that doesn’t exist where I live) and I had an “Ultimate Feast” so I got crab legs, lobster tail, deep fried shrimp and garlic baked shrimp. (10/10 I freaking love seafood.)  I had a sangria to drink which was more juice then wine but still good. We shared a lava cookie for dessert and a slice of chocolate cake. (8/10 mmmm dessert)

Toronight

Day 4: Tuesday we headed in to downtown Toronto. We had such a fun day, we wandered around by train museum (which was so not worth it! Seriously don’t pay to go in the train museum it is so disappointing) There were some cool old trains outside. Then we headed down to the lakeshore to check out the boats and the Amsterdam Brewhouse. That was fun!! We each had a flight of beer and an appetizer.

BeerflightI did not love the beers, I’m just not one for fancy beer, give me a Molson Canadian and I’m a happy girl.  Then for my appy I had a poutine(4/10 barely and flavour to the gravy and nowhere near enough cheese. ) My mom tried a pretzel bun cheddar dip! Damn that was good, soft pretzel buns and a nice cheesy dip(9/10 would eat again). Once we were done there we wandered around the lake a bit more and then headed back towards the CN tower. We had some time to kill before the baseball game so we went to the aquarium which is right outside the stadium. The aquarium is pretty blah at first but then you get to this are where you step on a moving escalator and it takes you through a tunnel. The tunnel is under an aquarium that is filled with sharks and tropical fish and local fish and huge sawfish and some Rays as well. That was so cool. That part is what makes the aquarium worth it. Once we were done there we went to the ball game! We got some hot dogs, and popcorn, a few beers and diet coke. The game was great! It was my first baseball game and I really enjoyed it! I would definitely go again! It was a lot of fun. I love live sports. I love football, hockey, soccer, baseball…. Not a big fan of basketball though.

Day 5: Time to head home. We went back to Jack Astors for lunch before I got on a plane to come home. I had a Cajun chicken sandwich, which was destroyed by adding guacamole, and some dippin donuts! The donuts were really good.I decided to upgrade the seats we were sitting in and got us row 1. We had so much legroom it was ridiculous. I also got complimentary food and beverage for sitting in the plus seats, so I enjoyed a beer, and a sandwich on the flight.

Plane It was the best flight I have ever been on. So comfortable, and great service!

All in all it was a lot of fun. I definitely threw my diet out the window and enjoyed myself, but sometimes it is worth it. I got right back on track today. I am tracking and planning what I’m going to need to buy for groceries for the rest of the week.

Now I’m going to make a plan to get me back on track!

Progress Baby!

Hello!!! I hope everyone is having a wonderful day! I myself am having a great day today. Work is keeping me busy, which is good because the time needs to fly so I can get to Friday! I’m off early Friday, and I’m going to Toronto on Saturday! Hooray!

Friday night we are going to be going to dinner with my Grandma for her birthday… I wish I knew where we were going so I could plan ahead, but I will just have to make good decisions while there.

I have attempted to plan ahead for Toronto. I am going to make sure I save all my weeklies for the weekend, plus I’m making sure to take long walks on my lunch break. Today I went for a longer walk then I usually do. I’m hoping to get in a small one later on this evening.

Last night I went to Weight Watchers and I was down 2lbs!! Hooray! That’s exciting. I have 3 more to go until I get back to my lowest recent weight. I need to get it because this looooong plateau sucks. But now I really feel like I can do it! I’m being positive. I can do it. It’s worth it to think about things instead of say fuck it.

Losing weight is something I really need to do. I’m very tired of crying and hating my body. I need to turn that around. I am a pretty cool person in my opinion. I need to prove to myself that I am awesome in every way!

So…… tonight I am baking cookies(not so great for weight loss)….. Well Icing cookies. I baked them yesterday. I have almost 100 of them, thankfully I am bringing them to work tomorrow so I won’t be too tempted for too long. I set some points aside tonight so that I can enjoy some cookies as I’m decorating, 4 to be precise. My friend is helping me ice them, so I’m also going to unload some of them on her and her fiancé.

I don’t have pictures of my ice cream cart yet. I’m going to be finishing it up tonight and I will take pictures as soon as I’m done!

Positive thing for the day: Icing cookies tonight, also hanging out with my friend.

Woo!

Thank you all for such great positive comments on my last post. I was feeling pretty bad at that point. After I posted that I decided that I should try the weight watchers 24 hour online chat. It actually helped tremendously. Afterward I had a few new ideas and I felt so much more positive.

I went to Weight Watchers last night and I was up 1.8lbs. Good news is…. I didn’t cry! I held my head up and my Mom and I walked out, both of us being up this week, both of us smiling. We went straight home, where we made ourselves a good dinner and planned out our meals for this week.

Tonight I am making us a healthy version of chicken cordon bleu, with a side of broccoli and carrots! It will be delicious!

I tracked everything I have eaten today and I drank water all day. I did have a coffee this morning, but I will make sure to drink more water when I get home and no diet pepsi.

In just under two weeks my family is heading to Toronto. I’m expecting to be eating in restaurants a lot. I’m going to have to work very very hard at making healthy choice instead of ordering whatever sounds delicious. Does anyone have any great ideas for restaurants? Keep in mind I can’t take half with me. I’m thinking maybe just have appies… or being sure to have green salad as a side instead of fries or mashed potato. I am probably going to be on my phone a lot calculating points and reading the nutritional info heh. I also plan on saving all of my weekly points. Bonus is that the trip crosses my weight watcher week border, so I will have one set of weeklies the first three days and then the last two days I will get more weeklies…. I am totally going to use that to my advantage…

I’m not going to get into hard core working out, though one day I would like to start working out, but for now I’m going to be walking a lot more. I want to be able to earn lots of activity points. I usually try not to use them, but if I’m not tracking or not paying attention I end up going over them. My goal is to earn activity points by walking on my lunch break, and then to avoid using them.

This week I am going to be dedicated to tracking, water, walking, and portion sizes.

I can do this.

 

Thank you guys again for all the helpful comments, seriously it meant a lot to me.

 

Positive thing for the day: Today I discovered that you can send Starbucks gift cards digitally. It is my friends birthday and she lives far away, so I sent her a starbucks gift card through email….. That’s just so cool. I love the internet.

Cheating or planning ahead?

So I just got the go ahead and my brother and I are going to head to the lake this weekend!! Yay! That’s very exciting. It means a weekend of swimming, walking/hiking, reading on the dock, stargazing at night, and a little bit of sleeping in a room that is far too hot for my liking…  In preparation I decided to write down all the foods I intend to eat, then to get a points approximation I put it all into my WW tracker. I wanted to be sure I had enough weeklies to cover it. I do indeed have enough! So that works perfectly… but now I feel almost like I’ve cheated on my goal to track every day. I already filled in Sunday and Monday, and that was the most important part. I guess now I just need to be sure I follow the plan, or if I change it then I need to alter my tracker. Hmm am I cheating, or being smart and planning ahead? I can’t decide.

Bonus is, I now have a grocery list all prepared for foods I need for myself, I’m definitely going to enjoy, from my tracked it looks like I’m using 10 weekly points per day this weekend. Thankfully I didn’t use many this week so I’m good for the weekend. It’s not a healthy menu, it’s an easy menu, but I figure if I am tracking it and it all fits in then it doesn’t need to be healthy.

Also I am going to be buying Chee Cha puffs (2 points for 2 cups!) and Almonds to eat as a snack. I will probably also buy a nice dark chocolate bar and have a piece or two a day. Oh wow! I totally forgot about ice cream….. There is this place there called Tickleberry’s… they have like 100 flavours of ice cream, they sell fudge, and chocolate covered blueberries (aka Tickleberrys). They also sell a bunch of cute gift stuff, and home made jams and jellies. My brother hasn’t been in a few years so I think we might have to make a special trip there… it does take a couple hours though, so maybe he won’t want to take that time out of our one full day. I guess we will find out.

My Grandparents have owned this place since I was 2. It has been a constant in my life. I love going there. It’s just a small place far down from the main roads. Our place is right on the lake so we have our own beach, and a dock that goes out over the water. We don’t really have a boat but we do have a canoe that we can use. It is a quiet village and it smells like orchards. Strangely I almost always feel inspired to write while I am there. I used to spend nearly the entire summer there when I was a kid and I read A LOT of books while being there, so I guess it just made my imagination flow. I’m going to bring a brand new completely empty journal and maybe I will write something fun.

I’m going to add my tracker for today, I’ve already added the dinner I’m having tonight and my lunch at work. Now I need to muddle over my dilemma of whether I am cheating on my goal or not!!!

Let me know your opinion: cheating? Or planning?June 12 Tracker

POSITIVE THING FOR TODAY: I get to go shopping at wal-mart tonight for my trip to the lake tomorrow!!